“Birthdays was the worst days. Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay.” Juicy – Notorious B.I.G.
It’s that time of year once again. Actually, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Count down to National Chachi Day on November 9th, 2010. It’s been a year since I’ve written an article. This is not from lack of topics or no motivation. It is just that when you get to be my age, there are certain things you forget to do. I’m just happy I remember to leave the house wearing pants each day.
Since I’m sure you all are busy thinking about what to buy your loved ones for Kwanzaa I’ll make it easy for you. I'll just come right out and tell you what I want for my special day.
For my birthday I want…
- For Justin Bieber to finally get the respect he deserves. I’m sure it’s not easy trying to fit all the homosexuality of a 5 member boy band into one 5ft body, but dammit, Justin Beiber is trying.
- To end Self Checkouts at grocery stores. This is not because I am lazy but because it makes me feel bad for the clerks. It is like saying that any asshole can come off the street and do their job with zero training and not even get paid for it.
- To make it back to October 26, 1985. That’s the date Marty McFly first time traveled 25 years ago.
- For Mel Gibson to meet a nice woman who has no idea how to work a tape recorder.
- To know what the hell this decade is called. We had the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties. I have no idea what the last decade was called and no idea what this decade is called. It’s not the teens because 10,11 and 12 are not teens. You would think someone would take 10 seconds to think of a name.
- For congress to pass a law that every movie, TV Show and song must now use Betty White in some capacity from now until her 130th birthday. After that she can retire and live out the remainder of her 40 years relaxing.
- For Hollywood to find some attractive token Lesbians. It seems whenever an actress wants to be famous and controversial they start dating either Ellen or Samantha Ronson. There has to be some hot and talented lesbians somewhere in LA. I mean, Samantha Ronson doesn’t even have a good job. She plays MP3’s on her laptop. I have a feature on my MP3 player that does the same thing. It’s called shuffle.
- To hear a new song at the club that doesn’t include some kind of lyrics that refer to “poppin’ bottles” , “thowin’ your hands in the air” or “puttin’ your hands up”
- For one day society to be open minded enough for women to be able to wear slutty Halloween costumes all year long.
- To have an adverse reaction to medication just like Charlie Sheen. It seems when he has an “adverse reaction” he wakes up in an expensive hotel suite with a top dollar hooker. When I have an adverse reaction to medication I just throw up on myself and remain in the fetal position for 8 hours crying.
- To have a cell phone that actually works. My so called smart phone can do everything…surf the web, update Facebook, text, check weather, movie times and YouTube. Yet, why does every actual phone call sound like it is coming through a damn tin can on a string? How great would it be to pay $100 a month and actually be able to hear the person on the other end? Luckily, no one uses cell phones for actual calling anymore.
- To live in a world where Will Smith was infertile. Do we really need for his kids to be huge stars too? It’s bad enough that Jaden Smith starred in the horrible remake of the Karate Kid that no one was asking for. (Yeah, like we really believe that an 80 pound ten year old can kick ass) But now we have Will Smith’s daughter Willow (get it, WILLow) singing “I Whip My Hair Back and Forth” with Beyonce. Not everything that comes out of Will Smith needs to be famous. It’s gotten so bad I heard a test tube of sperm he donated last year is going to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
- Katie Perry kissed a girl and she liked it but does she have to marry drag queen looking Russell Brand? I guess no more popsicles will ever be melted again.
- For it to always be “T-Shirt Time” every Monday morning instead of “Shirt and Tie Time”.
- For Myspace to take a tip from Sony and finally give up and stop beating a dead horse. Sony recently reported that they just now halted manufacturing tape walkmans for whatever reason. I had no idea they were still making them or what asshole was going into a store and looking to buy something portable that would play their old Wham! cassette tapes. It’s time for Myspace to quit now before they start to look like that old mullet guy at the local carnival wearing a Warrant Cherry Pie shirt.
- For Hollywood to stop making sequels years after people have stopped caring. Wall Street 2 was mostly a flop and no one really wanted to see a late 60’s Harrison Ford play Indiana Jones 20 years later. I just know that in 10 years someone will have the horrible idea of doing a Weekend at Bernie’s 3.
- To end 3D movies. With movie price tickets now sky high I can’t afford 1D, much less 3D. The technology was great for Avatar but now every movie that comes out is jumping on the bandwagon. Do we really need to see Jackass star Johnny Knoxville’s balls in three dimensions? And now they are creating 3D porn movies. If I wanted stuff shooting at me while watching XXX movies I would sit in front of Pee Wee Herman in an adult movie theater. (God I love jokes that reference something that happened 20 years ago.)
- For the President to be presidential. The Commander in Chief just appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central. Isn’t being on the same network that has Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo and the Roast of David Hasselhoff a little below the leader of the free world? This kind of makes me wish that the next show he goes on is The Apprentice in 2013…looking for a new job.
- For me to get Miley Cyrus in the divorce – Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are ending it after being married for 17 years. I’ve heard how hard it is to deal with the visitation rights of kids after a divorce. Since Miley turns 18 on November 23 I would be willing to take care of her after that date, just to help out the parents. You know, feed her, shower her, dress her. Yep, that’s just the kind of guy I am.
- For graduation speakers to finally be honest – My dream job would be that of a Demotivational Speaker where I would able to travel around to high school graduations and let the kids know that “they can’t do it”, “nothing is possible” and “even if they try really hard, they will still fail in life”.
Well, that’s it. Here's to another miserable year of life!
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