“You say it's your birthday? It's my birthday too, yeah.” Birthday – The Beatles
Ahhhhhh shit. It is everyone’s favorite holiday…National Chachi Day! That is the time of year that we celebrate the day I was born and would one day grow up to become president, cure cancer and bring about world peace. But until then I will just wear a fedora and make asshole comments on Facebook.
Are you having trouble trying to decide what to get me for this glorious holiday? Well, lucky for you I made a list of the Top 20 Things I want for my 2011 Birthday! You can thank me later.
For my birthday I want…
- An advanced copy of Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread. There is just something about seeing a naked train wreck. I only hope that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. I prefer a hard wood floor.
- For the truth to come out about Justin Bieber’s alleged baby. Some crazy 20 year old woman is claiming 17 year old Justin Bieber is her baby daddy. This just sounds really far-fetched to me...Justin Bieber having sex with a woman.
- For people to stop giving Kim Kardashian so much money. I hate it how she got millions of dollars for a wedding on E! and sold her wedding pics to People magazine. Now she is getting a divorce only 72 days later and all of a sudden wants her privacy…starting now.
- For me to create a Breathalyzer app for cell phones that would keep anyone with a .08 or above from drunk texting or dialing which has caused more casualties than drunk driving.
- For Jersey Shore to get rid of the annoying Deana…and the douche bag Situation…and the whiny Snookie…and the always fighting Sam and Ronnie…and the manly voiced JWoww…actually, who am I kidding? I enjoy this damn show every Thursday night.
- For Charlie Sheen to come back to Two and a Half Men. Ashton Kutcher sucks on the show and we all know the only reason he even got the job is because his dad is Bruce Willis.
- For Blockbuster to stop charging me fees for not rewinding my video tapes or for returning them late…wait, that was what I wanted for my birthday 15 years ago.
- For Congress to do something useful and finally ban any mention of swagger and/or Jagger in a song. Can’t any artist come up with original lyrics for once?
- For people to stop thinking $3.20 a gallon for gas is cheap.
- For one year to not see Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween.
- For Marty McFly to piss on the grave of Muammar Gaddafi as payback for the Libyans trying to kill Doc Brown.
- For cell phones to come with a battery that can last longer than 2 hours. It seems kind of pointless to keep a cell phone on a charger at home, in the car and then at work. I never saw Zack Morris with his cell on a charger and that was back in 1990.
- For McDonald’s to stop hyping the McRib as the second coming of Jesus. It is a pork sandwich pressed into a rib shape. Get over it!
- To once pick the fast line at a grocery store or fast food restaurant. Last time I picked a line at Chick-Fil-A I got stuck behind a guy who was trying to decide what to order for 5 minutes. It is Chick-Fil-A…how about ordering chicken you asshole!?!?!?!
- To hear a new song that is not about getting drunk. Rihanna has "Cheers (Drink To That)" and Katie Perry has “Last Friday Night”. Can’t people come up with anything else? Ok, we get it…people get drunk on the weekends and do crazy shit.
- To become the world’s most successful Hand Model.
- To play an easy modern video game. Whenever I try to play any new Xbox 360 or PS3 games, I feel like an 80 year old man trying to figure out how keep my soldier from getting shot in the head after only 9 seconds. It makes me 10 times more pissed off than when that asshole dog would laugh at me on Duck Hunt!
- To once get an at least semi-attractive waitress at Hooters. If I’m paying $10 for a chicken sandwich with no fries I at least want to look at something hotter than a waitress at Bob Evans.
- To have more than 2 seasons in Maryland. It seems we only have “Hot as a bastard” or “Cold as a bitch”.
- To stop these hot women teachers from sleeping with their students. It is not because I’m concerned about the male student’s welfare; it is because I’m jealous. The closest I got was when my gym teacher smacked my ass with a towel. At least he was gentle.
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