"Ooh baby, I like it, You so excited, Don't try to hide it, I'mma make you my bitch, Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake" Birthday Cake - Rihanna & Chris Brown
It's that time of year once again…my birthday on November 9th aka National Chachi Day! It is kind of like the opposite of Thanksgiving since you try to demotivate people instead of saying what you are thankful for.
I’m sure by now the whole country is running to the stores to find me a present like it is African American Friday (I’m politically correct so I won’t call it Black Friday). Well, I’ll save you the trouble and just tell you the Top 20 Things I want for my 2012 Birthday.
For my birthday I want…
- For people to finally leave Kim Kardashian and Kayne West alone. I personally think they are the perfect couple: A douche bag and a woman who needs one.
- A new Princess Leia. Since Disney bought Star Wars and is making part 7, 8 and 9 I would want Princess Leia not to be played by now Jabba the Hut looking Carrie Fisher but instead by the smoking hot Jessica Rabbit. Wouldn't you pay to see Jessica in the slave costume?
- For them to finally make a Fruit Stripe gum that has a flavor that lasts. Seriously, we've landed a damn space craft on Mars but we can’t get this gum to last more than 5 seconds???
- For me to make a wish and have a toy come to life like in the movie Ted. However, instead of a teddy bear I think I would wish for a Barbie doll to come to life. Well, as long as she was life size and had her own dream house. Oh and nipples would be a plus, too. And while I'm wishing let's just make her 100% anatomically correct.
- For me to hear the song Gangnam Style without thinking they are saying “Open Condom Store”.
- For Chris Brown to stop “beating” around the bush and just get back with Rihanna.
- For the government to forget about handing out free cell phones to “poor” people and to start handing out belts because I'm tired of assholes always showing their ass while walking around the mall.
- For me to take my time and allow myself two trips to carry in the groceries. It seems I have to always carry all 18 bags during one trip regardless if my fingers break off or not.
- For everyone to finally admit that they liked Justin Bieber better when he was called Justin Timberlake and liked Justin Timberlake better when he was called Usher and liked Usher better when he was called Michael Jackson. It is called ORIGINALITY guys, look into it.
- For the kids today to be able to enjoy the simple things in life…like back in the day when we got super excited if our parents bought us the Crayola 64 pack of crayons (with the built in sharpener).
- For zombies to only exist on the Walking Dead. I think it is time for people stop using bath salts and just go back to drugs that simply make them act like assholes or want to have sex instead of eating off someone’s face.
- To finally prove that Honey Boo Boo and her mom are actually Krang from the Ninja Turtles.
- For everyone to have to pass a third grade spelling and grammar test before being allowed to use the internet. Believe it or not there is a difference between “their”, “they’re” and “there”!
- For women to understand that guys don’t really care that much about your lingerie. I find it crazy how girls will spend an hour in Victoria's Secret trying to find the perfect $100 bra and panties set while us guys just grab the first $10 three pack of boxers we see in Target! Just know that we aren't superficial and that guys understand that it is really what’s under your lingerie that counts.
- For the government to forget about Speed Cameras and Red Light Cameras. What we truly need are cameras set up to catch people who don’t know how to install their own tint without leaving 87 air bubbles!
- For assholes to stop posting sad pictures on FB and tell us to “like” it if we hate killing puppies or ignore if we hope all nuns get AIDS.
- To find out if Maroon 5 were really "at a payphone" trying to "call maybe" Carly Rae Jepsen.
- For women to figure out what they really want. Do they want us guys to act like a romantic, homosexual vampire like in Twilight or should we tie them up and beat them like in Fifty Shades of Grey?
- To take Benjamin Franklin off of the $100 bill and replace him with someone who really has helped improve this country…such as the inventor of yoga pants!
- For all of Obama’s supporters to make sure they get out there and vote on Wednesday November 7th!
Well, that is it. Another year closer to death and haunting your asses for eternity!
|The Top 20 Things I want for my 2011 Birthday aka National Chachi Day! >>|