There have been a ton of great battles throughout history. Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, Jem vs. the Holograms and now Freddy vs. Jason! Freddy and Jason are two of the biggest horror movie monsters of all time and by all time, I mean the only time that matters, the 1980’s.

Freddy gazes into Jason's eyes as
Jason looks coyly at the ground.  "Come
on baby, just two fingers" whispers Freddy.

The basic premise of Friday the 13th movies was that Jason was a little bastard who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake because the counselors were too busy catching STD’s. While in hell, Jason decided to take up some sports like football and hockey (you knew he wouldn’t take up swimming). Since he sucked at these sports, he decided to come back to Camp Crystal Lake, still wearing the hockey mask, to cock block all the teens. These movies included:

1. Friday the 13th (1980)
2. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
3. Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (1982)
4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
5. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
6. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
7. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
8. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

(Some other movies Friday the 13th movies were made in the 90’s and 00’s but we don’t care about them.)

As for A Nightmare on Elm Street, the main villain, Freddy Kruger, was just a child murderer who was minding his own business when the ungrateful town’s people decided to take matters into their own hands and burned him alive. Freddy then decided to attack kids in their dreams with Ginsu knife like Lee Press-On Nails. These 80’s movies included:

1. Nightmare On Elm Street, A (1984)
2. Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge, A (1985)
3. Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, A (1987)
4. Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, A (1988)
5. Nightmare On Elm Street: The Dream Child, A (1989)
Along with a TV series "Freddy's Nightmares: A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series" (1988)

Now the new Freddy vs. Jason movie has finally arrived. This is great news for all of us children of the 80’s. There are certain questions that plagued us: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Who shot JR? Where’s the beef? What was Willis talkin’ bout? And finally who would win in a battle between Jason and Freddy?

Now we can plunk down our $9 to find out.

I have to be honest, before I saw this movie I thought it would suck harder than Richard Gere with asthma. I was wrong.

The basic plot of film is that Freddy Kruger recruits Jason in a first draft pick to terrorize the children of Elm Street. It seems that all of the kids Freddy terrorized in the past are now locked up in a nut house. The remaining kids of Elm Street take dream suppressants each night to keep Freddy from entering their dreams. (I wish I had dream suppressants to stop my reoccurring dream about Richard Simmons, a Thigh Master and a pickle but such is life.) All the adults in the town are also not allowed to speak of Freddy and all the mention of his murders are erased from the newspaper archives. Since the kids no longer know about Freddy, they can no longer fear him so he can’t enter their dreams.

This pisses Freddy off so he brings Jason back from the dead and sends him to Elm Street to commit murders for him. Since a 8 ft tall guy in a hockey mask can hide so well, everyone thinks Freddy is back on a killing spree. Word starts to spread and Freddy starts to gain back his powers as the kids become more afraid.

As the killing spree starts, we get to meet a good looking cast with some hotties who are nice enough to get naked for our viewing pleasure. Yes, this is what America is all about! It is time to put the TIT back into ConsTITution!

No good relationship, however, can last with two dominant males. Freddy starts getting jealous that Jason is doing all the killing. This leads up to a giant cat fight at the end of the movie to decide who is the man and who is the bitch in the relationship.

I will not ruin the ending for you guys because, as the anti-piracy promo before the movie shows, I don’t want that poor movie set painter guy to starve because I kept you from buying a ticket. You will need to buy your own over-priced movie ticket and your own popcorn that is marked up 1,400,000%. Just be aware that since the opening weekend made a surprising $36.4 million, you just know we will be seeing Freddy vs. Jason 19. Just wait until they get that midget Chucky involved for a threesome!

     
Chachi's Movie Rating: 3.5 Boo Berry Cereals out of 5!

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