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Yes, it is me, King Chachi, King of the 80’s!
Growing up in the 80’s may have been a magical time but it wasn’t always
easy. Kids today have it a lot easier than we had it. You little bastards
don’t believe me? Let me prove it to you.
Check this out little shit heads. When we had a paper that needed to be
typed for school, we had to use a damn typewriter. Do you have any idea
what a piece of shit that machine was? If you made a mistake, you have to
backspace and then type the mistake over again with a piece of white
correction tape over it. After you were done your paper looked like shit.
If you wanted to rearrange a paragraph in your paper you were fucked and
had to type the whole thing over again. If you didn’t know how to spell a
word, you had to find a dictionary to look the damn thing up. That is if
you had a general idea of how to spell the word, if not you were screwed.
We didn’t have any fancy spellchecker that did it for you.
By the way, we did have computers but our computers were also pieces of
shit. We didn’t have the fancy Windows XE2000ME. We had DOS. With DOS you
needed a friggin Master’s Degree in computer science just to turn the damn
thing on.
Yeah, and now all of you little bastards have your own personal cell phone.
You little bastards never miss a call. We had to share a damn house phone
with the whole family. If mom was on the phone, you were screwed. If a girl
tried to call you and dad was talking business, she got a busy signal and
moved on to the next Corey Feldman wannabe. Oh, and if you were out and had
to call someone, you had to find a phone booth. These phones would cost you
a quarter and the booth always smelled like piss. Oh, and we didn’t have
the luxury of storing our numbers in a cell phone, we had to memorize that
damn number. Yeah, that’s right; we had to walk around with 45 damn phone
numbers in our head at all time.
Oh and how about the girls? Boo-hoo you poor kids have it so tough. Yeah, I
see the girls walking around in their half shirts and low rise jeans. They
are damn near naked. Yeah, back in the 80’s girls wore baggy Benetton
sweatshirts and they wore acid wash jeans up to their damn belly button.
Yeah, we had no idea how a girls body looked until they were naked on our
Perfect Strangers bed sheets. Actually, by then we didn’t care.
Girls - all I really want is girls
And in the morning it's girls
Cause in the evening it's girls
Oh yeah, and our girls wore big granny panties. You were lucky to maybe get
a French cut but those were usually reserved for whores. Nowadays even
nerdy girls are walking around with thongs that are peaking out of their
low rise jeans every time they bend over to pick up my tongue.
And while I’m on the subject, there were no such thing as a girl shaving
bald. Yeah, we usually didn’t know if a girl was naked or was wearing fur
panties. If a girl happened to be hairless she either just got out of
surgery or was involved in a fire. If it wasn’t either of those, you had
better run because the cops were coming for your statutory raping ass.
Oh, and today girls love to pretend they are lesbians with their
girlfriends. They will dance together and even kiss each other, anything to
turn guys on. Back in my day the closest thing we got to lesbians was when
Rod Stewart married Rachel Hunter.
Oh and I hate you sons of bitches with all that internet porn. You can sit
in front of your computer and pull up millions of women doing everything
you can imagine from a goat to the Houston Rockets. Yeah, back in my day we
were lucky to discover one of dad’s hidden Playboy magazines. If we
couldn’t find that, we had to watch the Playboy channel scrambled. Do you
hear me little bastards? We had to stare at squiggles and lines in the hope
of seeing a tit for a split second. What made things worst was that most of
the time it turned out to be an elbow.
Yeah, we kids in the 80’s had it rough. But we wouldn’t have had it any
other way.
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