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We're heading for Venus
And still we stand tall
Cause maybe they've seen us
And welcome us all
With so many light years to go
And things to be found
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so
It's the final countdown...
The Final Countdown - Europe - 1986
We are counting down to a glorious event! The Olsen twins are turning 18!
You can tell that there is not many shopping days left. Whenever you go to
the local drugstore, you will see all kinds of perverts buying lubes and
condoms in anticipation of this holy day.
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Olsen Twins Countdown to 18! |
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Yeah, it seems like only yesterday that the Olsen twins were babies on the
show Full House. Yes, I will admit that even I use to watch that god
forsaken show. Full House is proof that Satan does exist.
I may love the 80’s but this cheesy, corny show is definitely a black spot
on that glorious decade.
Full House started in 1987 when it was very cool to be raised by multiple
dads. I’m not sure what it was but everywhere you looked in 87 there were
groups of men raising kids. It was some crazy shit. You could not find a
mother anywhere. And this was years before gay marriages. Let’s see, you
had Three Men and a Baby with Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg and Ted
Danson in 1987. You had My Two Dads on with Paul Reiser and Greg
Evigan debut in 87. And of course you had Full House in 87 with some of
the world’s dorkiest dads. I always felt that Bob Saget and Dave Coulier
were two of the gayest acting straight dads ever. Then, also on Full House,
you had John Stamos playing the third dad, Uncle Jesse. I was excited
when I heard Uncle Jesse was going to be on Full House before becoming
extremely pissed that it wasn’t the Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard
but instead some Fonzie wannabe. However, I will now give John Stamos a free
pass in this instance since he did go on to bang and marry Rebecca Romijn.
Let’s get back on topic. So the Olson twins both took turns playing baby
Michelle Tanner. I guess this role was so damn complex that you really
needed both Olsen twins to play one part. So let's talk about the Olsen
twins. Now I never thought that the Olsen’s were attractive
babies in the least. OK, let’s be honest, they were butt ugly babies. This
is one instance of something that was NOT better in the 80's. In
fact, I
always felt that they looked like some strange monkey-human hybrid, kind of like a Monchichi from that 80’s cartoon.
I would have never thought
they would turn out hot. NEVER! In fact, I would have bet my life and lost
on the fact they would have turned out hideous.
OK, so now they are hot. After years of all of us spitting on them while
they were walking down the street, we now want them to swallow. Who knew?
Now everyone is counting down to their 18th birthday
because Mary Kate and Ashley will be legal. So what? Do we actually think we can get some
billion dollar booty? I mean these girls are worth over a billion dollars a
piece. Do we really think that the only reason they are not banging us
already is because of the damn law? That can’t be it because these girls
can buy the law. We now have to be honest with ourselves as we count
down to their birthday and as we expect something big to happen at midnight. When
midnight comes, we will find ourselves the same way we found ourselves at
midnight on New Years Eve 1999.
We will find ourselves cold, alone and laying in a puddle of our own piss.
Happy birthday bitches.
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