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Having the last name Simpson has always meant
that I either love you or I hate you. There is no in between for me. I
grew up watching the animated classic The Simpson’s on Fox and couldn’t
get enough of the misadventures of Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. I
thought that if you had the last name Simpson, you could do no wrong.
This all changed in 1994 with OJ. Call me crazy, but it is hard for me
to like someone who stabs two people to death and then gets away with
murder. At least we can sleep easy knowing that after 10 years he is
still searching for the “real killers” on every golf course in America.
Now unless Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer were the true killers, OJ may
never find them.
Because of OJ I was down on anyone with the Simpson name for a while. I
didn’t care who you were, if I found out your last name was Simpson I
would punch you in the face. This went on for many years until a sweet
little piece of ass come along. Someone so hot that she could melt M&M’s
in her hands but someone so dumb that she would never challenge my
intellect. It was the perfect combination, beauty with no brains. Yes, I
am talking about Jessica Simpson.
Please bring back TV in 3D
I was never a big fan of her music but damn the girl can sing. It’s like
she had amplifiers implanted into those big breasts. I don’t even care
that she is married to that Nick guy because in my mind he is gay
and is just using her as a front.
Yes, Jessica brought glamour back to the Simpson name. That is until
that little demon spawn had to ruin everything. Yes, I am talking about
her sister, Ashlee Simpson.
Damn you Ashlee. You had your own little TV show that no one watched,
Seventh Heaven, but you wanted more. You saw everything that your sister
had and you were jealous. You wanted it all. And you would stop at
nothing to get it.
However, you wanted people to think that you could do it on your own.
You wanted to use every advantage that you could steal from your sister
to get into the music industry but once you were in you wanted to
pretend you did it by yourself, like you were your own person.
To do this, you first changed your look. Jessica has pretty blond hair
and so did you. So what did you do? You dyed yours black. That’s right,
you master of disguise. Now no one will ever know you are related.
And last place in The Swan
competition goes to...
Also,
Jessica wears revealing clothes. So what do you do? You wear baggy
clothes. That’s right. You are punk. You are a bad ass. You are a
rebelling millionaire. Too bad that was already done by Avril Lavigne
years ago. Also, Jessica has a hot body. So you become sloppy. I
wouldn’t go as far as to call you fat but I bet you never jogged or
did a sit-up in your life.
Furthermore, just to prove that you are totally different than your
sister you get a … reality show on MTV? Wow, that is original. I guess I
must have imagined Jessica’s two year MTV reality show Newlyweds.
But the truth came out on Saturday Night Live, October 24th 2004.
(Watch SNL "performance" here) You
performed that song “Pieces of Me” for the 10,000,000th time during your
first set. An hour later it came time for your second set so you set up
to play a different song. However, we will never know what song that was
since someone played the wrong track for you to lip-synch to and started
to play “Pieces of Me” again. I guess they were so accustomed to playing
this song. You had your microphone by your side and yet we could hear
your voice singing the song you already sang. Hmmmm. You and the band
looked at each other not knowing what to do. You decided to do a ho-down
dance. I guess you have been watching your sister Jessica a little too
much while she rehearsed for her upcoming Daisy Duke role. You then
slinked off the stage without singing the song.
So you proved that you really have no singing ability. That’s ok.
Neither did Milli Vanilli and they are doing fine today. (What, Vanilli
committed suicide? Strike out that last sentence). You tried to
blame the SNL mishap on your band. Your dad tried to blame it on
your acid reflux disorder. Who would Milli Vanilli blame it on?
Who's to blame, Ashlee?
Blame it on the rain.
Ashlee, now you have to come
to the realization that we all can’t be the most popular Baldwin
brother. We all can’t be Marsha Brady. Some of us have to be Jan. Some
of us have to be Frank Stallone. It’s ok to be in Jessica Simpson’s
shadow. Hell, we all are in her shadow since her big tits block the sun.
It is just time for you to take your # 2 spot in the family. Sure, your
parents don’t love you as much as they love Jessica but I’m sure they
still love you in their own, smaller way. You just better hope that your
mother has her tubes tied because one slip up and you could be bumped to
#3.
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