Wrestlemania is finally here! This event is way better than the Super Bowl except for the fact that the guys at Mania are almost naked, the event costs $50 and the only wardrobe malfunction that you have a chance of seeing is on May Young. Other than that, it rocks! Let's use my special fortune telling powers to see who's going to win each of these sexy matches.
World Heavyweight Championship
HHH vs. Batista
Narrator:The part of Randy Orton will now be played by Batista.
I feel sad that Orton lost the top spot at Wrestlemania simply because the WWE screwed up his push. Batista has done a decent job running with the ball but you still have to wonder what will ever become of Randy. Orton had the top Mania spot lined up 6 months ago but lost it and now has to resort to a match with a 50 year old dead biker. That is like bringing home a girl that looks like looks like Lindsay Lohan only to discover that she has a penis and it’s bigger than yours.
Batista has to win this match because HHH has already shit on the rest of the RAW roster.
WWE Championship
JBL vs. John Cena
I never thought I would see Bradshaw in a Wrestlemania main event. Maybe there is still hope for Viscera to get the respect he deserves.
John Cena has come a long way too but he is at a disadvantage since WWE is moving to the USA Network. If the WWE was broadcasting exclusively on MTV, the wrestling rapper would be the world champion for the next 30 years.
While I am on the subject, what has happened to MTV? I grew up liking rap but does every damn song have to be a rap song? You now even have rock songs that feature rap and even country songs with rap. I use to love rap but it has gone down hill since the 80’s. Back then rappers use to make rhymes about being poor. I always felt better about being poor myself when I heard that others were too. Now, every rapper has bling, Benjamin’s and drink Cristal champagne while all I have is a Swatch watch, Washington’s and drink Tab Cola. I also don’t know of any other musical genre that mocks you for making them rich.
I wonder how John Denver would have written “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” if he followed the lead set by today’s rappers:
Thank God I’m a Country Boy 2005 A millionaire kind-a life never did me no harm
Raisin' me a family, buying my ho Louis Vitton
My days are filled with country club charm
Thank God I'm a country boy.
Well, I got me a fine bitch, I got me a Bentley
When the sun's comin' up
I spend Benjamin’s on a shopping spree
And life ain't nothin' but your amount of bling-bling
Thank God I'm a Mutha F’n country boy.
As for this match, I don’t think Cena is quite ready to be champ so look for JBL to hold the strap a little longer.
Kurt Angle vs. HBK
Do you know what's sad? As bad as these two guys are crippled with broken necks and broken backs, they will probably still have the best match on the show. Since they can wrestle with all of these injuries, I don’t want to hear shit the next time I take a cripple’s parking spot. Have you really ever seen a cripple get out of a car that is parked in a handicapped spot? No! If you are handicapped to the point were you can’t walk an extra 20 feet to the mall, you surely can’t drive a car across town. I also wonder why my gym has 20 handicapped spots in front. I have yet to see anyone in a wheelchair bench pressing or wheeling laps in the pool.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, this match. I guess HBK is “Mr. Wrestlemania” all of a sudden. Who would give themselves their own nickname? That would be like me calling myself The King of the 80’s…oh wait… never mind.
Well, I guess since HBK is calling himself “Mr. Wrestlemania”, he will win the match.
Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
The sad thing is that Undertaker, the dead man, has done more deceased in a decade and a half than I have alive. He’s gotten married, won many World Titles and is undefeated at Wrestlemania. Let’s see that dead guy from Weekend at Bernie’s do all that. You know that Taker is a stud when he can still pick up chicks after death. I guess girls like guys who can stay "stiff" without Viagra.
To prepare for his Mania matches,
Taker always makes out with his
own reflection for 12 hours straight
As for this match, Randy Orton isn’t worth Taker losing his streak so look for Taker to keep it going. Randy, have fun being on Smackdown next month.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Christian, Edge, Chris Benoit, Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Chris Jericho
My only wish for the “Money in the Bank” match is that all of the wrestlers dress up like ex-presidents and try to rob the money like on that Patrick Swayze classic, Point Break. However, instead of only using the most recent ex-presidents, they could use any of the ex-presidents. Edge would make a good Bill Clinton since he likes to sleep around (see Lita). Kane would make a nice, tall Lincoln. Chris Benoit would make a good FDR since Benoit is the Crippler and FDR was crippled. Jericho would make a good Reagan since he is the Great Communicator. Christian would make a good President Taft because even though he is decent, people always forgot about him. Shelton Benjamin would make a good…a good…????? I only wish that HHH was in this match because his nose would be perfect for Nixon.
As for the winner, look for Edge to grab the big bucks like on Press Your Luck to set up a whammy of a match with Batista in the near future.
Women’s Championship
Trish Stratus vs. that red headed chick who just showed her snatch to millions
The woman’s division must have gone to shit if the only one left to fight for the title is “fire bush”. It’s sad to see Trish actually learn how to work a match only to see some chick who has a Playboy “spread” get a Wrestlemania title shot. Now, I like seeing a hot woman as much as the next guy but I don’t need to see a half naked chick in a top match at Mania who can't wrestle. If I need to see some skin, I can find enough excitement with the panty section of the Fashion Bug advertisement in the Sunday paper.
Look for Trish to win so that I don’t lose all hope in humanity.
Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerreo
Why they gotta have the Latino’s fight? People like to see Latino’s work together. You would have never seen Cheech dropkick Chong. You would have never seen that one fat guy from Los Lobos clothesline that other fat guy from Los Lobos. You would have never seen that Livin’ La Vida Loca guy suplex that Rico Suave guy. So why do Mysterio and Guerroro gotta fight?
Well, since they gotta fight, look for Mysterio to turn heel and win the match.
Big Show vs. Akebono
Wow, a sumo match! How exciting! Oh, wait, I forgot that no one gives a damn about sumo wrestling in the US. As gay as wrestling is, with guys grabbing each other while wearing tights, nothing is gayer than sumo wrestling. In Sumo, you have two guys in diapers racing towards each other. They then squeeze together, cock to cock, and try to thrust each other out of a circle. I haven’t seen one of these matched since Rooky’s bar mitzvah. After that, I was hoping to never see one again.
On this day, Rooky became a man
Look for Big Show to win since no one knows that Bono guy.
Have a great Mania!
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