Actually, I’m lying. It’s hot as hell and I do not even want to leave the comfort of my air conditioner. It’s not like the old carefree school days when you had summers off with three months of nothing to do but play video games, watch Charles in Charge reruns and maybe, just maybe, go outside for a few minutes. If it wasn’t for all the hot girls walking around half naked during this time of year, I would have moved to Alaska a long time ago.

It's currently 90 degrees outside but my hatred for certain celebrities is making it feel like 1,800 degrees. Let’s take a look at the Top 5 Celebrities I Hate This Summer.

1) I hate Mike Tyson

Oh how I long for the days when Iron Mike was biting off peoples ears like a real man.  At least if you are going to lose a boxing match, that is a cool way to lose.  Now Mike has actually gone out like a little bitch. (Don’t tell him I said that, because I will deny it) Kevin McBride was supposed to be an easy victory for Tyson but Iron Mike ended up quitting in the 6th round. That’s right, he just sat on his stool and said he wasn’t coming back out to fight. What happened to the former monster from the 80's?  I guess we should have known that Tyson wasn't really unstoppable when even that 120 pound Little Mac from Punch Out could beat him.

"This is ludicrous!" said Tyson
before raping the reporter and
eating his children.

2) I hate Lindsey Lohan

You may have though I was over this since my last article but I can hold a grudge, damn it. However, I am not the only one who is still pissed at Lindsey's new skeleton look. There is actually a Feed Lindsay website feedlindsay.com. Now, this is actually a charity I can get behind. You could always send 20 cents a day to starving kids in Ethiopia, but hell, they will probably never grow up to be hot. However, we have all seen what Lindsay can look like with just 3 meals a day. I think this donation is well worth it.

Lohan has repeatedly stated that she does not have an eating disorder and that her weight loss is the result of good old-fashioned exercise. I guess if you consider repeatedly putting you finger down your thought after you eat an exercise, then she is right.

I put the "die" in diet

3) I hate Britney Spears (and her fetus's)

This is not so much hatred for just Britney Spears but for her and everyone associated with her. What is this now? Britney Spears is going to have twins? Great, Britney + Kevin Federline + twins = 4 people I now have to hate. You just know that since she is pregnant with twins Britney has an excuse to get even fatter. It can never be said that God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Britney and Kevin can’t even take care of themselves, much less two newborns. I think this is Kevin’s 18th kid. It serves this wannabe thug right for continuing to use those "Gansta Condoms with Authentic Bullet Holes".

In related news, I heard that Kevin had recently re-proposed to Britney with a ring since he couldn’t afford one when they got engaged. As Kevin put it “yo, I wanted to git Brit a ring that I bought myself, booooyyeeeeee!” I guess he was able to afford it now with that huge allowance Britney gives him.

In even more related news, last week the happy couple was spotted at the premier of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and Britney wore a shirt with the words “I have the golden ticket” and an arrow pointing to her fat, pregnant stomach. Actually, it would have been more accurate if Kevin wore that shirt with an arrow that would point in whatever direction his "golden ticket" Britney was in.

Oh baby, baby,
 how did I become a whore

4) I hate Tom Cruise

When did the cool Maverick from Top Gun become a nut? I guess it may have something to do with him belonging to Scientology. Just what is this “religion”?

Well, it was created in 1954 by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. If you get to the top levels of Scientology, you will learn the origins of mankind. It states that 75 million years ago, the evil intergalactic overlord Xenu brought aliens from different planets to Earth (which was called Teegeeack back then). Xenu then killed the aliens and Loyal Officers with a hydrogen bomb and dispersed the aliens souls into the atmosphere. Their souls were then captured using a sticky fly-like paper and the souls were taken to giant cinemas and shown 3-D movies showing picture that they falsely identified as God, the Devil and Christ. Luckily for us, some of the remaining “Loyal Officers” ended up defeating the evil Xenu and locked him in a mountain with a force field in a distant planet where he still resides today. (Courtesy of http://www.xenu.net/archive/leaflet/xenuleaf.htm)

Ummmmm. OK. That sounds about right.

But why would someone so enlightened, so educated in the origins of mankind, I mean, alienkind as Tom Cruise want a young, naive girl such as Katie Holmes? I may have something to do with the two UFO’s in her shirt.

UFO:  Undeniably Firm Ohmygods

And then there was that whole thing about Tom Cruise getting squirted in the face during an interview by those joke reporters from England. Now, I can’t blame him for getting angry over what those jerks did.  However, I guess this finally disproves those Tom Cruise gay rumors.  If he was truly gay, he wouldn’t have minded having two men squirt stuff in his face.

$$$ Shot

5) I hate Tiffani Amber Theisen

I always hate it when some girl that I would fantasize about as a teen gets married. Tiffini, the former star of Saved By The Bell, just tied the knot with some “actor” named Brady Smith. I say “actor” because I don’t recognize a damn thing he has been in. Unless, of course, you are fans of the blockbuster movies “Just Pray”, “When Katie Met Meg” and “Fight or Flight”.

Actually, all I want to know is who does this Brady Smith guy think he is moving in on Zack Morris’s shit? At least Kelly…I mean Tiffani could have married AC Slater and just ignored his mullet and acid wash jeans. But no, she marries some "no name" guy. Damn you Tiffani.  How could you do this after all Zack has done for you?  After your dad got laid off and you couldn’t afford to go to the prom it was Zack who arranged that private picnic for you two outside of the school.  He even made the banner "Zack and Kelly's Prom". Didn’t that mean as much to you as it did to me?

BTB's own Rooky would have never
been absent with this class

At least one girl still gives me hope that summer won’t be so bad after all. 

These BOOBS are made for GAWKING!

Thanks you Jessica Simpson, yeeeh haw!

Email King Chachi