As I sit here in my air conditioned
house, eating my big dinner and typing on my computer, I can’t stop
thinking about how I hate the homeless. Now, I’m not talking about the
real homeless like how Punky Brewster, Arnold Jackson or Webster once
were. (damn, was every kid in the 80’s homeless?) I am talking about how
I hate the bullshit
scam artists homeless who try to take advantage of you instead of getting a
shitty job that they hate like the rest of us. Sometimes it’s hard to
tell who is really homeless and who is trying to scam you.
If you don’t want to follow my golden rule of “don't give anyone
anything”, I
have created a list of the top 12 homeless scams that I have encountered
so that you can weed out the fakes. Now these are actual scamming homeless people
that I have encountered over the years in beautiful Baltimore, the self
described “Greatest City in America”!
Random Homeless Sign:
The dot com crash has been hard
for Bill Gates
1) The friendly “My Man” homeless guy
I probably hate this homeless guy the most. He is the one who acts like
he’s your buddy before he hits you up for money. He will scream out “big
man” or “my man” as he approaches you. You usually see this guy outside
of bars and he will come up to you and start to talk about “all the hot
bitches” around. He will then say that he is not homeless but one minute
later will somehow try to hit you up for money.
2) The “Midnight Softball” homeless guy
I’ve seen this guy throughout the years. He is the homeless guy who
pretends that he is raising money for softball uniforms for his son’s
team. That’s funny; I don’t ever remember my parents walking around the
city at 2 AM trying to raise money for my little league uniform.
3) The “Why Lie?” homeless guy
This is the crazy, funny homeless guy who is on some nice crack. He has
a funny sign that says “Why Lie? All I really want is a beer”. He will
hold his sign and dance and then ask you for some money.
Random Homeless Sign:
This guy drinks on the job
4) The “I’ll suck your d*ck for some crack” homeless woman
I actually haven’t found this homeless woman yet but trust me, I am
still looking…I am still looking.
5) The “Shot up family” homeless guy
I’ve also seen this guy many times. He acts like he is raising money for
a family member that had recently been shot. He carries a paper and
clipboard for you to sign if you “donate” money for the operation. When
he approaches you he asks if you heard about the little girl/boy on the
news last week who was shot. He then goes on to say that it was his
daughter/niece/son/nephew and that he is trying to raise money for the
operation. I guess if he doesn’t raise enough money, they will not be
able to sew
up the big bullet hole in his family member’s chest.
The first time I ran into this guy, he said it was his niece. When I saw
him at a different location three weeks later, he was looking for money
for his shot up daughter. I asked him, “wasn’t it your niece that was
shot last time?” Caught in his lie, he simply said yes. I told him that
he needs to move his entire family out of Baltimore before they all get
shot. He looked pissed.
Random Homeless Sign:
Formerly
www.crackhead.com
6) The “stranded” homeless guy
This is the homeless guy who pretends that he is stranded somehow and
just needs some money for some gas or a bus ticket. A lot of these guys
will tell you that they were down in the city from another state to see
the ballgame and their friend that drove them left without them. Now all
they need is money to get back home. Somehow all they ever need is one
more dollar to have the total amount. This scam is also done where the
guy says that he was a few streets over and ran out of gas.
7) The “Deaf” homeless guy
I’m still not sure how this scam works but the deaf, homeless guy gives
you a small card with the sign language alphabet and then wants a buck
for it. As far as I can tell the guy is really deaf because I tried to
scream at him when he turned his back to see if he would jump and he
didn’t. Sometimes I see a whole group of these deaf, homeless guys
together trying to beg for money. It sounds like “Ni Nee Nome Noney”.
8) The “Too Crazy” homeless guy
This is the homeless guy who is just crazy. He will sit there and have a
whole conversion with himself and sometimes even gets pissed at what his
other personality says. He would ask you for some money but he is too
crazy. Probably for the best since he would just eat any dollars you
gave him.
9) The “No Limbs” homeless guy
This homeless guy will sit there on the corner with hooks for arms and
nubs for legs. I don’t know how this master of disguise is faking it,
but I will find out one day.
Random Homeless Sign:
This homeless person will cause
BTB's own
Rooky
to sell his house
and live on the streets!
10) The squeegee homeless guy
This is the guy who will come up to your car and proceed to wash your
windshield with his dirty water and squeegee. It would be nice if he
asked you if you wanted it done first. Hey, guess what Mr. Crackhead, I
have a new invention on my car called a windshield wiper that squeegees
my window at a flick of a switch. I don’t need to pay you a dollar for
your bullshit service.
11) The “I found you a parking spot/cab” homeless guy
This is another homeless guy who acts like he is doing you a favor. If
you are driving down to the club he will point out the obvious empty
spot for you to park in. As if you wouldn’t have seen that big, empty
space yourself. He is the same guy that will point you to the big,
yellow cab outside of the club and then act like he actually got it for
you. All he wants for his troubles is his commission, which is usually
one dollar. If you are parking your car and you don’t pay him, you have
to worry about him fucking with your car all night. It’s not like you
know where he lives as a box can be easily moved to a new location.
12) The “religious veteran” homeless guy
This is the old homeless guy who usually has a sign that states
“homeless vet – God Bless America”. I once saw a guy who took it one
step further and even sat in a wheelchair with the sign at a busy
intersection. I watched him back his wheel chair up to the median strip,
put his legs on the ground, lift up the chair over the curb with his
legs and then sit back down on it as if nothing happened.
Random Homeless Sign:
The years have not been
kind to Ralph Macchio
5 ways to screw with the homeless:
So you’re not going to give them any money but you still feel the need
to get back at the homeless person for just wasting a few seconds of
your pampered life? Well, then you can follow one of these tricks when
someone asks you for money:
1) Talk gibberish – just act like you are crazier then they are. Throw
together like 8 vowels to make up some new words. Waeeeuii!
2) Bum Fights - Point to another nearby
homeless person and tell the current homeless person that you just gave the
other your last 20 bucks. With any luck, the current homeless guy may go
over and stab that other homeless person.
Random Homeless Sign:
By far the funniest sign... eat shit
3) Make up a bullshit excuse - When a bum asks for some money, tell
them that you are sorry but you are driving. Yeah, it makes no sense to
us but these crackheads somehow understand it.
4) Pretend they don’t exist – just keep
on walking like no one is really there asking you for $1.50. If a bum
begs and no one is around to hear it, do they really exist? Ignoring
another human being works well and girls have tried it on me for years
with much success.
5) Steal their shopping cart – If a
homeless person keeps bugging you for change, steal their shopping cart.
Homeless people are malnourished and can’t run fast so there is no way
they could ever catch you. Also, since there isn't any "shopping cart stores"
chances are they stole it from the local K-Mart. Is stealing a stolen
item still stealing or does it just cancel out?
Just follow these helpful guidelines
and if all else fails, just yell at them to GO HOME!
Email King Chachi
