1. A threesome with Jessica Simpson. No, not with me, Jessica and Nick but with me, Jessica’s left and right breast.
2. For somebody to save Britney Spears’ baby. You would think the only hope this baby has now is a 5th trimester abortion. I feel sorry for this poor baby having to have Britney and Kevin as parents. Britney reminds me of a mother I saw on the bus at Ocean City last summer.  I was going out to a nightclub at 11:00pm when I noticed some white trash mother with her 18 month old baby girl. The mother was giving the baby a 20 oz Mountain Dew to drink. When the Dew bottle proved to be too big for the baby, the mother generously poured the highly caffeinated beverage into the baby’s sippy cup. I then noticed the baby girl was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with a large counterfeit Playboy bunny logo on it. I knew the logo was counterfeit since the bunny was actually wearing a pimp hat. Hey white trash mother, way to start your baby out on the path to whoredom. Note to baby Federline: When you learn to crawl, get the hell out there...fast!
3. The ability to pick the quickest line at a fast food restaurant or supermarket. It seems that when I have to choose between two or more lines, I end up picking the slowest one every time. I don’t care if the line I pick has only one person instead of the other line with 10, the one with 10 will end up being faster.  As for the line I picked, the one person in front of me will end up either having 150 coupons or will end up somehow dying.
4. My own, personal midget.
5. To be reincarnated as one of Angelina Jolie’s children. However, I would not want to be adopted like her other kids. I would demand to come out of her birth canal face first.

I would like to Raid her Tomb!
And by that, I mean have
sex with her.

6. To force feed anorexic Lindsay Lohan Marshmallow Peeps until she gets her hot body back.
7. To once again be younger than a current Playboy Playmate. I’m tired of reading the bio of Playmates of the Month and seeing that they were born in 1985. Damn, while I was watching Back to the Future in 1985, you were just bungeeing out of your mother’s vagina.
8. One more season of Seinfeld
9. To go on a plane and actually see a hot flight attendant instead of one that is over 60 or gay. Sorry gay flight attendant, please keep your bag of nuts to yourself.
10. For Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to finally admit that they are punking us. C’mon, actually getting married is taking this joke a little too far.
11. One-Eyed Willie’s gold.
12. One night with a bottle of wine and the cast of the Golden Girls…anything goes.

Thank you for being a friend G.I.L.F

13. For the real Michael Jackson to finally come out of hiding and reveal that he has been in the witness protection program since after his Thriller album. He would then admit that the government hired this creepy white woman to stand in for him for the last 20 years and that he doesn’t really like little boys...he likes little girls.
14. For Ashlee Simpson to become a mute and spend the rest of her days as a super annoying mime.
15. The Breakfast Club II.
16. To be the pants of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas so she will piss on me. Just kidding. That is nasty. I actually want her to take a dump on me.

My Leaks, My Leaks,
My Lovely Lady Leaks

17. For Christopher Reeves to finally stand up and walk again. (yes, I know he died last year but that's besides the point)
18. To dowse Donald Trump's hair with gasoline and light it and then be like “You’re Fired”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
19. To actually see a cripple get out of a car parked in a handicapped spot. I’m tired of seeing some faking asshole over 40 doing a backflip out of their BMW after parking in a handicapped space. Also, why does my gym need 20 handicapped spots? It’s not like people in wheelchairs are using the treadmills.
20. For Marilyn Monroe’s corpse to come to life like in the Thriller video and sing Happy Birthday Mr. President to me…and then lets me bang her.
21. To finally discover what the fuck Willis was “talkin’ bout”.
22. To hear Ryan Seacrest once and for all admit he plays the skin flute. Seacrest Out…of the closet.
23. To get Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie back together again so that I can kill two whores with one stone. Just kidding girls. Your fame and riches are well deserved and I only wish I could personally pay $2 million to have a new season of that cutting edge reality show The Simple Life.
24. A membership to Scientology so that I can brainwash a piece of ass like Katie Holmes into taking my demon seed.
25. For the Kool-Aid Man to burst through the conference room wall at my work while we are having an important meeting. Ohhhhh Yeeaaaaah!

It was all fun and games
until it turned out the Kool-Aid Man
was HIV Positive

26. To actually see Eddie Murphy in a funny movie once again. What, does having sex with transvestites make you not funny? Maybe that is why no one ever laughs at the jokes made by BTB's own Rooky.
27. To spin the Big Wheel on the Price is Right and then for me and Bob Barker to tag-team some of those Barker Beauties.
28. An actual Guns N' Roses reunion.
29. To actually use, at least once, that algebra, geometry or trigonometry I learned in High School that those lying teachers told me would be so important in my daily life.
30. To kill everyone under 30 so that I can once again be known as that young guy with his whole future ahead of him.

I want to thank everyone for making these last 30 years sooooo enjoyable.  Bastards!

Still being an asshole
after all these years

For some Chachi retro-birthday stuff, click Chachi Survives Another Year

Email King Chachi