Mmmmm, I always had a thing for Aunt Jemima. Those ample breasts, that sexy handkerchief on her head, those nice fluffy pancakes. She is so fine. However, I knew that I could never have her due to that cockblocking Uncle Ben.

Yeah, Uncle Ben is one lucky bastard. Those two have been happily together for decades. The only bump in the road was when Aunt Jemima caught Uncle Ben giving it to Mrs. Butterworth. Aunt Jemima beat the holy hell out of both of them. That, however, was years ago.  Aunt Jemima has since forgiven Uncle Ben and that Ho Mrs. Butterworth has moved on and has been seen around town with everyone from Mr. Peanut to the Kool-Aid Man.

9) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

It was only a matter of time before the two prettiest people on earth finally found each other. I mean, Jennifer Anniston is cute and has a nice rack but her face looks a little like Peppermint Patty from Charlie Brown.

And now Brad has gotten Angelina pregnant. Damn, that poor baby has a tough road ahead of itself. Whichever sex it turns out to be, it’s going to have to live up to the beauty of mom and dad. That’s going to be an impossible task. As we all sit back and wait for this baby to be the most perfect looking creature that has ever lived, how funny would it be if it came out looking like Eric Stoltz from the movie Mask? That would be the true definition of irony.

8) Gay Cowboys from Bareback Mountain

While growing up watching Western movies, I always felt that something was missing. Sure, they had gunfights and gambling and prostitution and drinking, but still something was lacking. Now, thanks to Bareback Mountain, we know what was missing… gay sex between two male cowboys! Oh how we all longed for the day that John Wayne and Clint Eastwood would team up in a Western, gaze lovingly into each others eyes and spend the whole movie as rump rangers.

7) Smurfette and the other 99 Smurfs

100 Smurfs. 99 of them Male. 1 Female. You do the math. You know that all the male Smurfs must have been taking turns on Smurfette.  That would have sucked.  I wouldn't have minded being in the first 10 but when you get up to being 70th or 80th in line...let's just say I would have rather tried my hand at seducing Gargamel. 

6) Me and my right hand

This is the ultimate love story. As a child my right hand was always there for me. It would help me brush my teeth. It would do my schoolwork.  It would even get me the high score on Q-Bert.

However, sometime in Middle School all that changed. This hand that was once my best friend became something more. We started a passionate love affair that has lasted for over 15 years to this day. This lovely right hand always looks out for me. It opens doors for me. It even wipes my ass for me. What woman would do all that?

However, just between you and me I have cheated on my right hand. Once, when my right hand had a nasty paper cut, I decided to have an affair with my left hand. But, somehow, it just didn’t feel right.  I will now always be faithful to my right hand and I know that my right hand will always be there for me.  However, I can't say the same for BTB's own Rooky and his right hand.  His hand ran away with another guy.

5) King Kong and that blonde chick from King Kong

King Kong was a great love story. But you may be asking how a 10 ton ape can make love to a tiny blonde girl? Easy, that blonde chick was a big worn-out whore.

4) Pam Anderson’s Breasts

Pam Anderson's breast have been a very successful couple.  Ever since they first guest stared together in Charles in Charge in 1990, this power couple has taken the world by storm.  Back then they both weighed less but as this couple gained weight and size over the years, they somehow have become even more popular. 

Pam's breast really started to turn heads in 1992 as they both appeared together again.  This time it was in the hit TV show Baywatch.  There, they had the tough job of jiggling up and down while soaking wet when coming out of the ocean.  Yes, this modern day Sonny and Cher couple even appeared naked in a video with Tommy Lee.  Now, 16 years after these breast first appeared on TV, they haven't aged a bit.  Some people say they both had surgery done to look young and perky but we may never know the truth.

3) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Ah, true love based on brainwashing and upping your Hollywood status. That’s how I hope to score a wife one day. So Katie Holmes is now pregnant. Some people are saying that she was artificially inseminated.  If that is true, how great would it be if there was a mix up at the lab and the baby came out half black? Let’s see Tom Cruise try to explain that one.

2) Barbie and Ken

Poor Ken. He has it rough.  If you have ever seen him naked you know that he has no penis.  He only has what looks to be one big ball.  Even if he did have a penis, he would have no where to put it since Barbie doesn't have a vagina.  Yeah, Ken just gets to sit around all day with one big BLUE ball watching Barbie prance around with her big breasts in school girl and flight attendant outfits.  

However, at least Ken doesn't have to work.  Barbie has like 45 jobs from school teacher to astronaut but I can't recall Ken ever working. He just lives off of Barbie's money by sleeping in her mansion, driving her pink Corvette and drinking beers in her luxury camper.  

Actually, I think I just showed that I know too much about these dolls so let's just move on to the next couple.

1) Britney Spears and K-Fed

You may be asking, King Chachi McFly, how can Britney and Kevin be on your list of Top 10 Valentine's Day Couples?  You have stated in this article and this article that you hate them.  Well, I have to admit, I was wrong.  I was soooo wrong.  For I have read some of the most beautiful lyrics ever written by man.  This man, this God, is Kevin Federline, or as his disciples call him, K-Fed.  Below are the lyrics to his new rap song, "Y'all ain't ready".  Truly the title is correct because once you witness something so beautiful, everything else in the world suddenly seems so ugly in comparison.  Enjoy. 

I should be sayin' keep
My damn name outcha mouth
But y'all keep increasin' my change amount
So, go ahead and say whatcha wanna
I'm gonna sell about 2 mil
Uh, then I'm goner, uh
I know y'all wishin' you was in my position
Cause I keep gettin' into situations
That you wish you was in, cousin
I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy do
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue
My prediction is that y'all are gonna hate
On the style we create, straight 2008
But I know that you really can't wait
Because people always askin' me
When's the release date?
Well maybe, baby, you could wait and see
Until then all these Pavarattis followin' me
Gettin' anxious? Go take a peek
I'm starrin' in your magazines
Now every day and week
Back then, they call me K-fed
But you can call me Daddy instead

Ah, truer words have never been spoken. With that masterpiece, we should stop calling him Mr. Spears and should start calling him Shakespeare. Britney, I take back every nasty thing I have ever said about Kevin. You have found yourself a true genius.

Well, there's the Top 10 Valentine's Day Couples picked by me, King Chachi. I hope all you bastards get lucky on February 14th.  But don't get any funny ideas because this right hand is already taken.

Email King Chachi

MySpace King Chachi