Torrie Wilson vs. Candace Michelle (Playboy Pillow Fight)

To put me in a good mood, let's start off with dialogue between Steve Martin and John Candy from the classic 80's movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles:

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!

Ah, I feel better now.  So these two woman are fighting because Torrie showed her 'gina in Playboy and now Candace is showing her 'gina in Playboy.  However, there is some discrepancy over whose 'gina looked better...thus this match.  Now I love two half naked babes as much as the next non-gay but is a pillow fight really the way to go? I have never seen a sexy pillow fight on the WWE. Both Playboy and pillow fights were hot back when I was 12 yeas old.  However, back then I also would pleasure myself to the lingerie section of K-Mart advertisements.  Now that I am older I need more!

Luckily for us Mickie James has stepped up to the plate and has given us more!  She actually posed for a Penthouse like magazine a few years ago.  If you are 18 or older, click here to see the risqué, not appropriate for work pics (while they last).  Who needs Playboy and pillow fights when you can have a layout where a girl really opens herself up and shows her "inner" beauty.  Damn, I almost forgot about the two contestants in this match.  Ummm, look for Candice to win with help from Victoria.

Mickie showing the Happiest
Place on Earth

Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell

This is like your typical horror movie.  You know that when people have sex in these movies that they always get murdered.  On Friday the 13th, Jason would kill the camp counselors after they knocked boots.  On A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy would also slash teens after they did the dirty deed.  Damn, HIV has nothing on serial killers.  Can this married couple Booker T and Sharmell survive this killer after they have already had sexual relations?  No way.  Look for Boogeyman to win.  

Women's Champion Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

OK, lets see if I have this feud straight. Our snatch showing girl Mickie likes snatch. Mickie especially likes Trish’s snatch. However, Trish does not like snatch. Trish likes dong.  This makes Mickie mad. How dare Trish not like snatch, especially Mickie's snatch? As we have seen from Mickie's Penthouse pics above, what's not to like?

Really though, who cares? I’m just happy that two great woman workers are having an actual wrestling match. No gravy bowls, no Jello, no pillows, no Cap’n Crunch, no enemas, just a wrestling match. I guarantee that this match will be sexier than that pillow fight.

Look for Mickie to win since Trish has been champion for a year and has already wrestled the whole woman’s division 85 times.

World Tag Team Champions Kane & Big Show vs. Chris Masters & Carlito

The British Bulldogs vs. The Dream Team, Demolition vs. Strike Force, Edge & Christian vs. the Dudleys vs. Hardy Boyz!  So many great WrestleMania tag team matches.  Now we have this. Damn. Why isn't MNM on this card?  Also, how can Masters and Carlito win since Kane and Big Show are so, umm, tall?  Actually, I think Masters and Carlito will somehow win so that they will end up turning against each other down the road.  Then Carlito will turn face setting up their match at the next Mania.

United States Champion Chris Beniot vs. JBL

Everything in the US is getting exported.  Most of our cars are made overseas or in Mexico. Most of our electronics come from Asian countries.  Now even our own US Championship is owned by a dirty Canadian.  I really hate Canadians.  They all sneak across the border into our country and steal all of our jobs.  They do the work that Americans will do but for 1/10th the pay. Hell, these bastards don't even speak English.  However, I don't think that JBL can stand up to this problem alone.  Look for Benoit to cheat and keep the belt because all of those bastard Canadians will do whatever they can to take advantage of this great country of ours. 

Edge vs. Mick Foley (Hardcore Match)

Poor Mick Foley. He was one of my favorite wrestlers in the past with his Cactus Jack, Mankind and Dude Love personas. Now, he looks like he ate those 3 characters.  Instead of wrestling and landing on tacks, maybe he should wrestle on staples.  That way one of those may end up stapling his stomach which will help him lose weight. 

Edge should still be the champion but he made the mistake of not marrying Stephanie McMahon first.  Still, look for Edge to win so that he can be pushed back up to main event status.

Undertaker vs. Mark Henry (Casket Match)

I don't think that Mark Henry is going to break Taker’s WrestleMania Streak.  Actually, I have more of a chance of somehow...

1. being reincarnated as Angelina Jolie's soon to be born baby
2. then growing up to have sex with Angelina and Carmen Electra in a threesome
3. while inventing the cure for cancer

than Mark Henry has of ending Takers streak. I'm not saying that Henry has no chance in hell, but his chance is pretty slim.  Look for Taker to win but I still don't know how they are going to fit Henry in the casket. 

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

This Money in the Bank match will probably go over a lot better than the originally planned Sperm in the Bank Match. That match was scrapped last month when tag teams The Heartthrobs and The Dicks were released. That Sperm in the Bank match would have ended up looking like the end of Ghostbusters when the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man exploded over the whole city.  I guess we are lucky because now we get this.

However, there are some strange choices for contestants in this match. I can see RVD, Benjamin and Hardy doing great...but Finley? Lashley? Flair? At Flairs age he should be using one of those handicapped stair lifts.  He should definitely not be jumping off ladders. Actually, I'm am just jealous because he is 57 and can do all this while I get out of breath just chewing Bubblicious.  I do not see any reason for the rest of the guys to get title shots in the next year so look for Flair to win it and get one last shot at the heavyweight belt.

Even as a 60 year old
woman Flair is still more of
a man than me

Mr. McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels (No Holds Barred Match)

Wait, is this match on WrestleMania? I would never have known it due to lack of promotion (SARCASM). Seriously, I think they gave Hogan and Andre less of a buildup. I wonder if this has anything to do with Vince being both owner of the company and also a participant in this match. I still, for the life of me, can't understand what this feud is about. Shawn helped Vince screw Bret so now almost 10 years later Vince wants to fight Shawn because Shawn has a soul or something. Um, ok.

Bret said he will not be at Mania but if he doesn’t interfere in this match in some way then it was all a big waste of my time. Look for Shawn to win but then for Bret to come out and destroy both guys.

Purgatory on a Pole match - World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

I heard that Eddie was cremated so for this match his ashes are going to be in an urn hanging from a pole.  Therefore, if Rey gets the urn first he can release Eddie to heaven but if Orton gets it Eddie goes to Hell. If Angle gets it he will release half of Eddie to Heaven and half of him to Hell due to Angles many heel/face turns.

WWE has stated that using Eddie’s good name in storylines after his death is just a way to help get over Eddie's friend Rey.  That must mean that Rey will win the belt…right?...right?  Well then look for Rey to win to begin a short title reign and for Eddie's memory to finally be reserved for non-storylines. 

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Triple H

I never thought the day would come where I would be cheering for HHH to win the belt. Seriously, enough of John Cena! I think the WWE ruined everything that was cool about his character. Now all his raps are about poop and people being gay.  Those kind of childish topics should be saved for middle school lunchrooms and for my articles.  Actually, I think Cena would be more popular without the belt and as an underdog. Plus, I see HHH getting back together with Stephanie this year in storylines. Almost every fan knows that those two are married in real life and that she is pregnant with his child. That may be why the WWE showed Stephanie pregnant on TV a few weeks ago and no one asked who got her pregnant.  Therefore, look for HHH to get his belt back and then look for his and Stephanie’s soon to be born baby to have the cruiserweight belt by SummerSlam.

The future 45 time champ,
HHH JR.

Well, that's it. Try to enjoy Wrestlemania. I dare you!

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