Now, if you have never been on MySpace you will not understand this article.  Just skip it and go back to churning butter you Amish freak.

OK, let's get started.  On MySpace, I hate...

1) Girls who only show their top half in pictures

If you are looking at MySpace pics of a girl with real big jugs and all her pics are from the breasts up, she is fat. She may have big knockers but that is because she is 300 lbs. Some of that weight had to go to her breasts. She doesn't want you to see her bottom half because her ass is the size of a New Orleans levy. (Was it too soon for that joke?)

The picture they show on MySpace...

The fat, uncropped original
picture you won't see

2) People with thousands of friends

You know people like this. They request everyone that they see on MySpace. They approve every band that requests them.  They will go through and add all of the friends on your list for themselves.  Well, let me tell you a little secret...Having thousands of friends on MySpace doesn’t make you cool, it makes you a loser. Plus, we all know that the only person in this world who truly has thousands of friends is David Hasselhoff.

I am disgusted but yet
I can't look away

3) People who think they are Ganstas and Pimps

Yo, yo, yo  I’m jus tired of all deez white, Kevin Federline lookin', wannabe ganstas on Myspace tryin' to act like dey are from da Hood. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that real gang bangers in Compton get on their computers and send each other glitter comments.  Also, real Gangstas aren’t like “Shit, I would pop a cap in yo ass but I gotta run home and send someone a Happy Hump Day message”.

Glitter fonts is PIMP!

4) Tom

This son of a bitch Tom is the creator of MySpace.  However, my nuts could design a better personal page than he has.  I am also tired of Tom's same old side view default pic.  I really just want to just punch him in his sideburn.   Tom, it's time you start to learn how to operate your own website.

Also Tom, could you please fix MySpace just one time?  Every day I get some message from you saying that some part of MySpace is broke and to wait 5 hours or 10 days until its fixed. I mean your damn Instant Message feature has been down since Mr. Belvedere was a top rated show.

Note: Tom, if you are reading this please know that I am only joking. Please do not cancel my account.  Doing that may cause me to go into withdrawal and may even cause me to get some stuff done at work.  In reality, I’m just really mad that we are the same age and you are a millionaire while I am broke.

Hi, I'm a rich, lucky asshole

5) Guys who kiss girls' asses

OK, so there are an assload of girls on MySpace with low self esteem. You can spot these girls because they have 12 pictures of themselves in bra and panties posing like the centerfold of a Black Tail magazine.

That is all good but then you have these stupid guys who will log on everyday to kiss these girls' asses. These guys have never actually met these girls but they still feel the need to leave them  comments. These comments usually consist of the guy telling these girls how beautiful and sexy they are.  These guys then go on to tell these girls how they would eat raisins out of their beautiful, sexy asses.

Well, listen up guys!!!!  These girls already have low self esteem so what are you doing trying to build it back up? You could probably get one of these girls right now.  However, if you keep telling these mildly attractive, slightly overweight girls how they could be in Playboy, they will start to believe it. Once they believe that lie they will start to think they are too good to have sex with you in the back of your parents '87 Ford Taurus.  A better idea would be to tell these girls that they could afford to lose 15 lbs.  This will keep their self esteem low and their legs at 45 degree angles. 

6) People who take pictures of themselves in a mirror

I hate it when people only have profile pictures of themselves that they took in the mirror. If you can’t find at least one friend to take a picture of you, you don’t need to be on MySpace. Get out of the house and meet someone real.  Hell, go to the mall or even a nightclub.  At the very least become an alcoholic so you can attend their meetings. 

What do you mean most digital
camera's have an automatic timer?

7) Stupid chain mail hoaxes

Please stop sending me bulletins saying if I forward it I will be able to see who's looking at my profile. Also, don’t tell me if I forward something to all my friends that I will be able to get MySpace for free while everyone else will have to pay $20 a month. These are obviously scams and you just look like an idiot to everyone you send these to.

However, I have discovered something that really works. If you copy this very article and forward it to all of your friends on MySpace, the Lucky Charms leprechaun will appear in your inbox and grant you 3 magical wishes. It really works, I tried it. Trust me.

8) The Top 8

So we had to grow up getting picked last for dodge ball in gym class. We had to deal with only being able to get three people to sign our yearbook (and two of those were teachers). We even had to break down and take a Saigon whore to Prom.  Now we have to suffer with not being ranked in someone’s Top 8 on MySpace. This is the most stressful thing about MySpace.  The Top 8 shows you where you rank in that persons life.  If you do not make it to someone's Top 8 while they have Forbidden and/or Tom in there, this person is not really your friend.  I guess now you are forced to pull a Columbine on the current people in their Top 8 until you can finally move up to that glorious spot.

Well, that was the Top 8 things I hate about MySpace.  If you would like, you can request to become my friend at MySpace King Chachi. I only wish MySpace would get a Bottom 8 so I could put your bitch ass in it.  Unless, of course, you send me a really cool glitter comment.

Email King Chachi