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King Chachi - 31 Things I Want For My 31st Birthday
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Well, I'm back with another article. I haven't had one in a while since I am getting old and do not have the energy that I once did when I was a young kid. Since we are nearing November 9th, that means it's time for King Chachi's birthday once again. I am turning 31 this year. It's kind of sad because when you turn 30 it's a big celebration. Last year I even went
skydiving for my 30th.
Falling 10,000 feet isn't the scary thing,
it's the guy up your ass that's scary
This year I may just get up the energy to jump out of my bed. Yeah, turning 31 is no big deal. However, you can still make me feel better by getting me a great gift. No idea what to get me? Well, here is a list of 31 things that I want for my 31st birthday.
For my birthday, I want…
- To bid on an item on eBay without 25 other people out bidding me in the 5 seconds. (Damn it, why can't you let me win my vintage Mr. T Cereal box for $12?)
- To just once catch a quick glimpse of penetration on one of those Cinemax soft core movies.
- For one year not to see stores decorated for Christmas before Halloween.
- More celebrity vag
shots. The celeb nip slip is soooo 2005. Now celebs like to let their beavers breath. These shots are always a good
thing. I don't even care if it looks like something off the Arby's menu.
I'll take it supersized
- To buy a cell phone that doesn't fall apart after 6 months. They certainly don't make them like the used to. I bet that Zack Morris' phone is still in one piece.
- To meet someone that actually celebrates Kwanzaa.
- To see a McDonalds kids commercial where Ronald eats his own food. For some reason all McDonald's kids commercials now only show Ronald skateboarding and rock climbing with children. What the hell does this have to do with McNuggets?
- For Playboy to have a celebrity that I want to see naked now, not 10 years after I stop caring.
- To beat the hell out of whoever is releasing these new High Definition DVD's. I finally have a couple of hundred DVD's and now this damn new technology comes out to make my collection obsolete.
- To be able to complete a new video
game. New Xbox and Playstation games are so long and complex. It seems you need to have a PhD to be smart enough and be unemployed to have enough time to beat them.
- To be able to bring sexy back and get a full refund on my purchase.
- Ghostbusters 3
- To discover that those stupid mouth Grills cause cancer.
Call me when they start bronzing testicles
- An African baby of my very own. (Madonna, tell them that you “made up your mind, your keeping your
baby”)
- To get to third base with Jem and the Holograms
- To beat the hell out of someone who wishes me a “Happy
Holiday” near Christmas when they know damn well that I am Christian.
- To have another age to look forward to. At 16 you can drive. 18 you can vote and buy porn. 21 you can drink. After that there are no birthdays to look forward except 30, 40, 50 etc. and they are depressing. Let's make it so that when you turn 35 you get oral sex from whoever you want for 35 days straight. That would give us something to look forward to.
- For them to add one suitcase to Deal or No Deal that blows up when opened. I think that would make the show more interesting.
- To let Ashlee Simpson know that I am sorry for all those mean, nasty things I've wrote about her in the past since she is now smoking hot.
Remember to always be nice to the fugly chick in school
- To find out what the hell Fergie is talking about in the London Bridge song. What's next, "I want your farmer in my dell"?
- For your mom to leggo my Eggo.
- To one day be able to finally afford Transformers instead of those cheap ass Go-Bots.
- The ability to remember when The Simpsons come on. They have been on Sunday Nights at 8:00pm for like 45 years, yet I still always manage to miss it.
- For that creepy father on Small Wonder to finally get busted for pedophilia. Come on, only a child molester would build a 10 year old girl robot.
- To one day have the most sincere pumpkin patch and finally get to meet the Great Pumpkin.
Why are most of the Peanuts bald?
Is this town on top of a toxic waste dump?
- To be able to have readable handwriting (I've seen retarded first graders with better)
- To wrestle a match with Brooke Hogan and show her the
horizontal pile driver.
- To get back all the thousands of hours of my life that I wasted on MySpace.
- For Playboy to show some pink (not the singer)
- To skip the office birthday party where everyone pretends they like you and sings a half ass “happy birthday”.
- To be 30 again, when I was young and full of life, hopes and dreams.
Well, I hope to receive my gifts soon. Damn, this means that next year I have to think of 32 things I want. Yeah, getting old sucks. Just make sure that you damn kids stay off my lawn.
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