Wow, it’s been about 9 months since I’ve
written my last article. No, I didn’t have a baby, I just have a lot of stuff to
do so get off my damn back! LOL
I love using “LOL” because whatever you say, no matter how mean, you can just
put those three letters after it and everything is OK. Let’s try it out. “I’m
going to kill you and bury you in my backyard! LOL” See, at first that could
have been considered a threat. I could have been arrested just for saying it but since
I put the “laugh out loud” letters after it, I’m in the clear!
I have to admit,
I had some trouble trying to think about what to write for this article. My
articles usually deal with stuff I hate or things that piss me off. I was going
to try something different this time and write about something positive or about stuff I
actually do like but then I said fuck it, I’ll stick with what I know and that
is HATE.
Back in like 1995 I wrote “The Top 8 things I hate about MySpace”. It is kind of
outdated now since my hatred of things evolve over the years. What I
hated yesterday or even last year I still hate but my hate likes to find new
things to focus on. With that, here are The Top 8 NEW things I hate about MySpace.
I hate:
1) People who delete their MySpace accounts
This has happened to me a few times. You know the exact number of friends you
have on MySpace. Then all of a sudden, the number drops down. Shit! “What
happened?" you ask yourself. “Who suddenly hates me?” is another question that
runs through your head. You search through your hundreds of friends trying to
find out who it is but you know you will never find out. Someone could be dead or
now in the witness protection program but you will not discover who it is.
Actually, it is more likely that someone encountered some “drama” on MySpace and
got pissed off and deleted their account. Don’t worry though; they will probably have a new
profile in two weeks.
2) Fake Friend Request
Getting a Friend Request is one of the most exciting things that can happen in
your life. You log into MySpace and see a notice that someone, somewhere
actually thinks enough of you to consider you a friend. You log in wondering who
it could be. Is it a secret admirer? Is it the girl that you’ve stalked for 4
years back in high school? Who the hell is it? You log in only to see a picture
of a girl you don’t know. You click into her profile and discover that this girl
is from China. Well, this is not some long lost love from your tour of the Great
Wall, this is actually a fake
spam profile. You can tell by the link in her profile that goes to a pay website
or webcam that she says to click because her pictures are “too sexy to be
allowed on MySpace”. The only thing worse than these requests are the dumb
losers who think these girls are real and accepts them as friends.
Although this Friend Request girl was a piece of ass,
she unfortunately turned out to be fake :(
3) Girls who have a hot default pic which is
the only good picture they’ve ever taken
This has happened to almost every guy. You are alone on a Friday night so you
start to browse profiles of girls in your area. You discover a hot girl
who looks almost like Jessica Alba so you click onto her profile. You see that
she is single so you decide to check out her other profile pics. You then find
out this girl looks exactly like Jessica Alba…if Jessica Alba was born with Down's
Syndrome.
This is what you look like after
you do a movie with Dane Cook
You see, everybody, everywhere is entitled to
at least one decent picture in their lifetime. It may have been from taking a
picture at the perfect angle with the perfect lighting and the fact that Jupiter
and Uranus aligned just right and created just the right amount of gravitation
pull for her to look half way decent just as the cameras flash went off. This
rare picture will then be her default pic for the next 14 years. Always make
sure to check out every picture in a girls profile and even then still proceed
with caution.
Girls will take thousands of pictures of themselves until they find one they
like. This is because no girl likes the way they look in a picture. If one has
ever asked you to take a picture of them with a digital camera, you will
discover that they never like
the first pic that you take NO MATTER WHAT. They always ask you to take a second
one and that is usually the one they like a little better even though it looks
EXACTLY the same. I tested this theory before. Some girl asked me to take a
picture of her and her girlfriends. I showed them the pic on the digital camera
after I took it and they said it was terrible and to take another one. I did,
but then when I went to show them, I quickly clicked back to the first
picture that they didn’t like. They then said that it was MUCH BETTER even
though it was actually the same fucking pic! Just be extra
careful with MySpace because she probably went through 3000 pictures just to
find that one that she didn’t totally hate and even that one is probably
Photoshopped.
4) Spam bulletins
I never really understood spammers. In my regular email, if someone sends me a
spam about some generic Viagra, I don’t think to myself, hmmm, I could really
go for buying some miscellaneous pills from overseas where I have to give my
credit card number to a complete stranger. I'm not sure who falls for this
stuff but people must or else the spammers would stop.
No Spam was the best thing about MySpace in the beginning because since you knew
the people sending you messages, you didn’t really get spam. That didn’t last
for long because now people will actually steal your login information to send
out spam on your behalf. This happens when you click on a fake link on MySpace
and encounter what looks like the basic MySpace login screen. However, it is
actually a fake and when you type in your username and password; they then have
your info to log into your account. Now I don’t really hate the people this
happens to since this mistake can happen to almost anyone. I do, however, hate
the spammer (of course) but I also hate the people who fall for the spam
bulletins. Most of these bulletins involve a link to a sex site. How do people
think these bulletins are real? It’s like, does my 48 year old aunt on MySpace
really want me to see “3somes babes to h00k up” and “Cum farm slim girls fvcked”?
(real spam I’ve received) No assholes, their account was hacked. Don’t click on
the link.
5) People who will not accept your Friend Request
OK, this mainly happens when a guy sends a Friend Request to a girl. It may be a
girl who you just met or who you would like to meet. You see that they have
hundreds of friends so you decide to send a request. You figure since they have
tons of friends, what is one more? Then a few days later, you see that your
request is still pending while they have logged into MySpace every day since the
request. You have just encountered the Pocket Veto. A real Pocket Veto, for
those who do not remember Political Science, is when Congress sends a bill to
the President to sign into law right before their break. The president decides
not to sign it into law nor does he veto it, he just does nothing and then the bill is
automatically vetoed in 10 days. This is the same with Friend Requests on MySpace. The chick doesn’t really “deny” your request.
She just does nothing and
then in about a month the request will simply expire so that she could always
claim that she never saw it.
Some girls put way too much into accepting a Friend Request from a guy. It’s
like if they accept it, they think they are some how contractually obligated to
have sex with that guy. This is not true. Only a hand job is obligated.
A friend request from me is the worse thing a girl can receive.
Way worse than the HIV.
6) People who read your message and never
respond
This is almost as bad as the Friend Request thing. You write somebody a message
on MySpace where you actually ask them a question that you feel should require a
response. Then you don’t hear back. The thing about MySpace, however, is you can
tell in your Sent Messages folder if the message has been read. With regular
email, someone can always lie and say they never received the message or they
didn’t check their email or that it must have gotten picked up by the spam
folder. Not true in MySpace. So you just wait like a loser for a response that never comes.
7) People who only log into MySpace once every few weeks
These are the people who like to pretend that they really have a life and are
not addicted to MySpace. They will purposely go weeks not logging in so that
people will see the old login date and think that they are not addicted. This is
kind of like the crack head who will only do crack every other weekend so that
they can act like they don’t have a problem. Well the truth is that everyone is addicted to MySpace.
Once you can finally admit that, you can spend every waking moment “Online Now”
and be much happier in your crack head life.
You don't even want to know what I had
to do to Tom for him to keep MySpace free of charge
8) People who are not yet on MySpace
OK, it is damn near 2008. Finding out that someone is not on MySpace is like
finding an American Indian. Sure you heard stories about them but you are still shocked
when you find out one truly exists. There is simply no reason for someone not to
have a MySpace profile. Even if you are from South Dakota or homeless, you still
have access to a computer somewhere. It is so odd when you ask someone if they
are on MySpace and they tell you no. It is like someone telling you they do not
have a cell phone or indoor plumbing. This person usually just waited too long
to join up and is now being spiteful so they are not seen as a follower by
joining all late.
Well, those are The Top 8 NEW things I hate about MySpace. It is hard to narrow
my hatred down to just 8 things on a topic but I think I did a good job.
If you would like, you can add me on MySpace
here. Actually, I wouldn't even bother because I probably won't accept
and just Pocket Veto your ass.
Email King Chachi
McFly
