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Chachi McFly -
32 Things I Want For My 32nd Birthday
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Just because the writers in Hollywood are on
strike doesn’t mean that Chachi McFly is taking any time off. Actually, since
this is only my second article this year, I don’t think that I could work any
less.
OK, I’m getting ready to turn 32. It's pretty sad. This means that I could have
lived to my Sweet 16, died, been reincarnated and then made it back to that
point again. It also means that it has been 16 years since I started driving.
Everyday, as I sit in stop-and-go traffic heading to a job I hate, spending a
fortune each week on gas that I can’t afford, I often wonder why I was in such a
hurry to start driving at 16.
Well, just because I’m old doesn’t mean I am senile and will forget if you don’t
buy me a gift. To make it easy for you, just like in years past, I have created
a list of everything I want for my birthday. I do this because I love you.
This year, I want…
- To walk by a video
arcade in a mall and actually see people in it. I used to love these things
in the 80’s but how the hell do these places make enough money to stay open
in 2007? They have only 8 games and those games came out in 1996. Arcades
that are still around today have to be fronts for drugs or for pimping
retarded midget prostitutes out the back.
- An Official Nick
Hogan Transformer Action Figure. It doesn’t turn into a robot but just like
Nick, you too can transform a Supra into a pile of junk by adding alcohol,
racing and a pole.
I wonder if the Hulkster can use his money
to
transform Nick into a free man?
- For me
to learn or care who is the heavyweight champion of boxing.
- An original movie
at the movie theatre. Every damn movie that comes out is either a sequel or
a remake. If I see one more movie about “a tough football player who somehow
has to turn around a team of losers and/or convicts or who has to watch a
little smart mouthed girl and at the end discovers what life is all about”,
I’m going to kill someone.
-
Pomegranates
- To produce a line
of Michael Richards, Don Imas and Dog the Bounty Hunter racist talking dolls
to help educate kids on words that start with the letter N.
- To be able to buy
a cheap lunch like back in grade school. Sure the food sucked but we got a
chicken sandwich, fries, vegetables, chocolate milk and an ice cream all for
only a buck. If we paid $5 the lunch lady would give us a little something
extra in the bathroom stall. (Maybe that was just at my school. Ok,
maybe that was just me.)
- To get rid of the
Soulja Boy song "Crank
That (Soulja Boy)". Everyday real soldiers are dying in Iraq but somehow
these talentless “souljas” remain here without a scratch, making millions of
dollars.
It seems like the terrorists already won.
- To see
someone on a reality dating show who actually needs the show to hook up. Why
in the hell did Poison rock star Bret Michaels need Rock of Love to find a
woman? He is already a rich rock star. What’s next, The Bachelor staring
Brad Pitt?
- For The Real World
to be real again. Somehow “real” on this show is living in a multi-million
dollar waterfront home with a bunch of hot members of the opposite sex while
working only 2 hours a week at a dream job. I must be living in The Fake
World because my life is the complete opposite.
- For Britney Spears
to…ah, why beat a dead horse with another Britney joke. (Yes, “dead horse”
was a fat joke)
- For someone to
Like Me Just The Way I Are
- To pay under $3
for a gallon of gas. When I first started driving (16 years ago, blah) I
could fill up my whole tank for $12. Now I can’t get away from the pump
without dropping $50.
- To show the super
hot Megan Fox my “Optimus Prime”. (By that I mean my mint condition action
figure Optimus Prime from the 80’s. I’m sure she would like it since she was
in the Transformers movie. What, did you think I was talking about something
sexual?)
Every week we don't want but always get vag
shots of
cracked out Britney Spears and cocked up Lindsay Lohan. Yet, super
hot Megan Fox never forgets panties. SCREW YOU IRONY!
- To
sneak onto the filming of MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 just so I can beat the
piss out of these ass kissing fathers who throw their spoiled daughter a 3
million dollar birthday party. Yeah, way to help your daughter grow up to be
a cunt.
- To find out why it
feels so funky to have to manually walk up an escalator that has stopped
moving.
- For Long Duck
Dong, from the movie 16 Candles, to finally achieve his destiny of being a
porn star.
Who thought this guy would grow up to be
Kim Jong-il, dictator of North Korea?
- To stop
paying for things that I once got for free. I had free TV now I pay over
$100 a month in cable. I get water out of my faucet and now I spend $3 for a
small bottle of Aquafina. I even had free radio and now I pay $12 a month on
Sirius. I just know that somehow someone is going to convince me to put a
damn pay toilet in my house.
- To one year have
autumn and spring where I live. I’m not sure how it is where you live (nor
do I care) but here in Maryland it somehow goes from an average of 85 to 45
degrees almost overnight. Yeah, that’s straight from “hot as a bitch” to
“cold as a bitch”. I’m not sure why it is impossible to have just one week
of 70 degree weather.
- To get addicted to
caffeine pills and then to have Zack Morris talk me out of taking them since
it’s not worth killing yourself just to get into Stanford.
- For kids to grow a
pair and stop being pussies about lead paint. Who cares if the Chinese make
toys with a little bit of lead coating? When we were kids, we used to finger
paint with lead paint, assholes!
- For Kevin Arnold
to finally get over the fact that I took Winnie Cooper from him. How do I
know that he still isn’t over it? Because we can all hear his damn thoughts!
Screw getting by with a little help from my
friends.
I want to get by with a little help from a grown up Winnie Cooper!
- For the
cast of Gilligan’s Island to land on the island of Lost. (Come on, like that
would be any less believable than what happened on the show last season)
- To take a trip
back to Neverland Ranch where I lost my virginity 25 years ago.
- To go to the
hospital and actually see doctors that look like the ones from Grey’s
Anatomy. Somehow the doctor checking me for hernia looks less like Katherine
Heigl and more like a 60 year old Pakistani man.
- To become Pam
Anderson’s 20th husband. I think she is on her 5th right now so I should be
good in 3 years.
- For, just one
year, everyone to know what my obvious Halloween costume is. (I was Sweep
the Leg Johnny from Karate Kid, not Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee, damn it!)
John Kreese: Prepare! What do we study
here?
Cobra Kai: The way of the fist, sir!
John Kreese: And what is that way?
Cobra Kai: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!
- To
learn how the band Air Supply made
Love Out of Nothing At All.
- For someone under
30 to understand that previous 80’s reference.
- For Kanye West to
help me find my black Kate Moss tonight.
- For hot girls on
MySpace to stop sending bulletins asking me to vote for them for some model
contest. OK, I know you are hot and that I won’t get you. Stop rubbing it
in.
- For me to be 31
again back when the "world was my oyster" and I was "just a squirrel trying
to get a nut".
If you can't find one of these gifts for me, I
also accept cash.
Email King Chachi
McFly | | |
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