Summer is here! Many great songs and movies have been made about this glorious time of year. Although this is usually one of my favorite seasons, I can still take a few minutes out of these carefree months to identify things that I hate. As I lay here on a raft in the middle of a pool, drinking a piña colada while a midget feeds me grapes, let me count down the Top 15 Things I Will Hate About the Summer of 08!

This summer, I will hate…

1. Humidity – Damn the awful humidity during the summer. As soon as you walk outside your house it feels like someone just threw a water balloon filled with hot piss in your face.
2. The Sex and the City Movie– If I wanted to watch women over 50 having sex I would catch Golden Girls reruns on Lifetime. I still think that the guy who played Ferris Bueller could do much better than being married to Sarah Jessica Parker. She looks a little like a semi-attractive horse.

I was going to make a joke but
there is nothing funny about old people having sex

3. Shitty summer songs – It seems that each summer a bunch of catchy but also incredibly stupid songs come out and stay the whole season. In 2005 it was Holla Back Girl by Gwen Stefani which was basically a remake of Hey Mickey. (“This Shit is Bananas” sounds like the result of backdoor sex) Last year the big summer song was Umbrella by Rihanna. I enjoyed this song but it did have the stupid line “Umbrella ella ella eh eh eh” which must have made Mary Poppins very happy. (What, is that reference outdated?) You still don’t believe me that stupid songs always come out in the summer? Well, last year Crank That Soulja Boy came in August. I rest my case.
4. Having nothing to watch on TV – Why are there only repeats and bad reality shows during the summer? Do they think that we suddenly have lives during these months? Who the hell is going outside after 8:00pm during the workweek?
5. 4th of July fireworks – I’ve watched technology advance greatly over my lifetime. I grew up on Atari where things were represented by blocks and now Xbox 360’s graphics look almost lifelike. However, fireworks have been the same since I was born. Every year for the 4th of July we watch the same fireworks explode the same way with the same 4 or 5 colors. They should at least shoot up one firebomb or something to make it interesting. These public fireworks still beat those horrible legal home ones which are mostly just sparklers that end up burning your hand.
6. Labor Day – Memorial Day’s evil twin brother. Everything I love about Memorial Day I hate about Labor Day. It marks the end of the summer which makes me not even able to enjoy it. Also, as a kid it would mark the day before a brand new school year which made you want to overdose on Flintstone Vitamins.
7. Gas prices – I remember back when gas was below a dollar a gallon and I could fill up my whole tank for $12. Currently it’s over $4 a gallon. It is now cheaper to buy a beer at most bars than it is to buy a gallon of gas making drinking and driving almost not worth it.

Shit! My car only takes premium!

8. Ball sweat – It sucks being on the hot beach and the condensation on the volleyballs make them hard to spike over the net. What did you think I was talking about?
9. Baseball – They call it America’s past time because when you go to the stadium you sit around passing time drinking beer and eating peanuts until it finally ends. Baseball bores me to tears. They need to make it more interesting by setting the ball on fire or adding landmines to the outfield. I would probably watch it then.
10. Not being able to apply suntan lotion to a hot girl – I could be on a beach during a Pirate Convention and Captain Hook would still get to apply lotion on a hot girl before I would. Worst part is I was recently at a pool next to a tanning Brooke Hogan. I thought I finally had a chance to help her apply lotion but out popped cock-blocking dad Hulk Hogan to rub it on her ass instead of me.

I guess when it comes to getting lotion into those
hard to reach crevices Hogan really does know best

11. Women in bikinis – Of course I love bikinis! What I hate is how it is so damn hard to get a hot girl down to her bra and panties. However, in the summer these same hot girls will go to the beach and pools out in the open and wear essentially the same thing. Then, for some reason, they will get pissed when you stare or try to touch them in their bathing suit places! I know…it makes no sense to me either.
12. The ice cream man – I used to love them as a kid. Back then you didn’t have a car and always had to beg your parents to take you anywhere. This guy would then bring ice cream and snowballs practically to your front door. In your older years you really don’t care that much about ice cream but you still have to sit in your house listening to that damn truck play annoying nursery rhymes on loop for 20 minutes. How great would it be to have an adult version of this service deliver alcohol and hookers to your doorstep? Instead of playing Mary had a little Lamb over and over they could play Me So Horny. I would actually come out of my house on a hot day for that.
13. No more summer vacation from school – As a kid you would get a preview of what an orgasm would feel like when you finally got out of school on that last day. You then had three glorious months in the summer to do jack shit. When you are an adult, however, all the summer means is that you have to go to work in long sleeves and a tie in 100 degree weather. It doesn’t seem fair.
14. Speedos – Essentially a bikini for men. It’s odd how something so beautiful for a woman to wear can be so disgusting for a man. Even most ladies hate seeing guys strut around in these banana hammocks. The only people who like them are homosexuals, professional swimmers and homosexual professional swimmers.

Is that a banana in your pocket or...
oh wait...you...don't...have...any...pockets

15. Summer Olympics – Wonderful! Whatever shitty reruns I did have to watch during the summer are now interrupted by foreigners from every country playing such great sports as badminton, handball and ping pong. How do you say “assholes” in a hundred different languages?

Well, have a great summer of 08 and try not to get skin cancer!

Email King Chachi McFly